Written by an Anonymous My Pen My Friend Author (Grade 9)
because of the move
I know that I can reinvent myself so, please
and if I dislike something about myself
all I need to do is change
but with this new ability to change
and do whatever I please
it’s hard to stay true to myself
and protect that original part of my being.
with everything that has happened,
the depression,
the move,
the death,
the pain,
it’s been hard to remember what I was like
before it all
how happy I was
and how happy I made others.
I did lose myself
even now, I haven’t completely found myself
but I’m scraping up every bit of anything
to get that innocent and amazing girl back
because the truth is,
I miss her
I miss being her
and experiencing life through her.
this person I am now
can only feel pain
and pity
happiness is so foreign.
it makes me uncomfortable;
being happy and laughing
it’s not normal anymore
it’s so strange.
pain is second nature
and being happy?
it’s ancient
it’s old and unheard of.
but I miss it
I can remember what it was like
from photos and stories, old poems
a recollection of others.
I do wish I kept all my journals
because I would do so much
to read those again
and meet the person
that I was years ago
and somewhere between march and now,
I forgot who I was
and I became this person
this brand new, painful, bland, depressed person.
that day when I told my friend something
she said
“that sounds like something you would do”
that hit me
because of what happened,
was so odd and weird
but apparently, it’s something I would normally have done
and it would’ve been normal.
I’m so caught up with this reinvention
and the pressures of society
being pretty, and smart, and funny
being the “perfect” girl so I can fit in here
but I keep forgetting that while I can change a few things
add something to spice up my personality
I can not change my entire existence for a group of 14-year-old girls
I should never.
I miss that young
smart
intelligent
funny
sweet
crazy
wild
girl.
the one who had an amazing (alive) boyfriend
the one who had the most amazing group of friends (before she left)
the one who always felt on top of the world, despite everyone putting her down
that human.
not this soulless creature
who can’t even be nice to her family
or play with her cousin
or even think about her past without crying.
this pathetic version of me
it’s disgusting
I miss the old me
so much.
that day when I encountered that person
he helped me
he really did help me.
I had just met him on the street
but he made me laugh
and he helped me realized I lost myself
I didn’t hit me until then
he helped me see how broken I really am
and how far I’ve strayed
from everything I once held close
and the fact that
this all has become
simply normal
hurts.
I wish I could be the old me again
but I don’t know how to find her
I want to
but I don’t know where to start
I miss her
but she feels a million miles away
and it hurts
knowing I’ll never be her again.
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